“So are you planning to be alone (forever)?” a guy asked me today.
Hmmm, if only I could get a dollar every time someone asks me that 😙 (NOTE: I would prefer AUD, pls, cuz I’ll be using the currency soon. Lol)
How would I know if I’m going to change my mind or not within the next decade? Getting married is easy, people, but getting a compatible lifetime partner is NOT. Marriage is the beginning of a new chapter, it’s not the end nor the goal.
I feel sorry for you if you feel that way 😶 #asingleslife
8 thoughts on “Do I Plan This?”
You’re absolutely right! Getting married is not something that you can plan ahead of time when you still haven’t found a life partner. If you set a goal and deadline for getting married, you might end up making decisions you regret in the future. Trust God. Some things happen unplanned and some other things don’t happen even with careful plannings and implementations. Just keep an open mind, you will know when you have found the right person, you wouldn’t think about what you want in a guy anymore, you would just think “this will work, we can make this work.”
As far as planning to be alone forever, I had that thought when I was single, but things changed. When things changed, I changed my plans. Let’s just say that I was aware of the possibility of being alone forever, but it was not a plan.
I actually don’t understand anymore what is an “open mind”… hehehe… Cuz the truth is our mind has been trained and adjusted to a certain way of thinking. Our culture, religion, family are those who constructed our mind, right? So what are the chances that one fine day I meet a good Christian man who is: 1) single 2) without emotional baggage 3) smart 4) sporty & artsy 5) not boring? 😀 Well, if that happens, it would be #onefineday.
Few weeks ago I hung out with a guy from SG and we instantly clicked. Conversations flowed, we enjoyed each other’s company, we had no expectations. But I know that it doesn’t mean more than friendship (or I refuse to develop it into something more) becuz he is not a Christian. It’s a choice that I make every day, so I have to live with it 🙂
Wanting children, wanting sex, feeling lonely or making family happy may seem like good reasons to get married, but they are not.
You’re right. Our minds are shaped by how we were brought up. If you keep an open mind, you don’t limit your thinking to your culture, religion and family values. I respect cultures, religions, and family values; however, there are times when you might want to question them.
For example, you want to meet a person with the following criteria:
1. single – definitely, there’s no other way to define single
2. without emotional baggage – without one now doesn’t mean that there will never be one in the future. It looks to me that it’s someone who can work together with you to solve or avoid any problems.
3. smart – how smart, this is so subjective, it’s open to interpretation. It’s probably someone who can see his situation and position and also knows when to open or shut his mouth. It’s not necessarily about his knowledge about a certain subject or topic….there’s google for that.
4. sporty & artsy – these are very hard to define.
Does doing 20 push-ups and sit-ups everyday qualify him in the sporty category or does he have to hit the gym routinely to qualify? I don’t think you know unless you judge his exercise routine by looking at his physical appearance….remember, some people with the best looking physical appearance are not immune to aids and cancer. Can healthy redefine this criteria?
Artsy is even harder to define. Do you mean someone who understands art or someone who appreciates art or…an artist?
5. not boring – you really need to get to know him first before you can be sure that it’s him boring you and not you boring him. Sometimes it depends on the topic.
One thing you should remember, all of the above can change when you’re married. Marriage is a life changing experience that will require adjustments from both sides. Keep an open mind, life-changing experiences change people. All of the above can change.
About being a good Christian. There are people whose conducts are Christ-like, but they never step into a Church. There are honest and kind Christian who go to Church, but have never done anything to help others outside of Church.
In the past, when the Bible was written, people who were not Christians were people who did all the wrong things. They were mostly people who committed theft, murders, adultery, and all sort of evil things. Those were the wrong crowd to hang out with, definitely not the kind of people you want to bring home to introduce to your parents. It’s not the same today. There are good non-Christians out there. Don’t you want to introduce these good people to Christianity?
My wife wasn’t a Christian when I married her. Before I married her, I told her…I would go with her to the temple to accompany her to worship according to her religion, but she would accompany me when I go to Church on Sundays. She agreed. God made it work and she’s a devoted Christian now.
You don’t get married just because of children, sex, and loneliness. It’s a way to make it official that you want to spend the rest of your life with that person….of course, here in the US, there are also other benefits from tax planning point of view. But of course people don’t get married for tax planning purposes….I hope not…
Keep an open mind, culture, religion, and family values dictate you to think in a certain way, but sometimes you need to question them to get your own clear definition.
Sorry for the long comment. I hope you enjoy the reading, it’s almost like writing an essay…..
You’ve made a strong case, Toto! Lol… Thanks for have taken the time to write a reply. Made me ponder a bit…
Your respond to the 5 “checklists” that I have in my head is interesting. I guess I can scrap no. 2 and 5, cuz you had pointed out that they’re somewhat irrelevant. However, on point no. 3 and 4, I guess I have set my own definition of what a smart, sporty and artsy guy is. Somehow you just know it when you meet the person, and you don’t actually need fourth-date to know it. They wouldn’t last until the fourth date, I guess!
Most women want a smarter spouse who can guide them. I’m one of those women. Smart in school is one thing, but street smart (and funny!) is even more important because I feel like I need someone who can understand and reply my sarcastic sentences from time to time *lol* Imagine if you were trying to make a conversation or joke, then that person looked puzzled and said, “what do you mean?”…. Juz shoot me in the head! 😀
Sporty: I read an article about some research that found a correlation between gen and exercise habit. The conclusion: it runs in the family. My family love to do all kinds of sports; from aerobic, running, martial arts, swimming, etc. Now imagine having a spouse who is a couch potato, or doesn’t like to exercise… It would be frustrating not to have someone who can join you running, swimming, practicing yoga or anything at all… Of cuz there are some guys who will try to pick up girls at the gym or pretend that they like sports, but those tricks just won’t work after a while :p
I guess for the “artsy” criteria, it’s not a must. Again, yea, it would be nice to be able to share common interest in appreciating music and arts, but the truth is, point no. 2,4,5 don’t matter anymore as soon as I know that that guy loves God more than anything. I’ve learned from experience that we shouldn’t try to change someone into “something” we want. Hoping for someone to change after marriage is not a good idea, as I know a lot of people were like that… and they regretted it. We don’t build a life with someone, with the hope that the person would turn into the person we want him/her to be. No one wants to live up to that kind of expectation, right?
I’m truly happy that your marriage is doing great, and that she has accepted Jesus in her heart… but I personally think that it’s the exception, not the rule 🙂
Thanks, tete! My case is based on experience…..
Often times, God doesn’t give you what you want, God gives you what you need and what you can work with.
What you mentioned as “choice” that you will have to live with might not be the choice that God wants you to live with. God might have prepared a different plan for you. Just keep praying for guidance, nothing is impossible.
In my attempt to confuse you further……
What if….just if….God plans on saving the good guy through his meeting with you. What if God wants to use you to introduce him to Christianity, but you just assume that it’s impossible?
Have I confused you enough? I went through this chaotic minds when I was still dating my wife, but everything went so smoothly that I couldn’t help thinking that God wanted it to happen.
It’s obvious that the guy you encountered in Singapore made an impression in you that you share it here in your blog. You might just want to ask God about what to do and pray for this guy. Feel free to annoy God as often as you like with your questions….He’s God, He can handle it, He’s your best friend. I doubt He would send a bolt of lightning to shut you up because you’re annoying. He hasn’t sent one to me and I’m really really annoying.
“In my attempt to confuse you further……
What if….just if….God plans on saving the good guy through his meeting with you. What if God wants to use you to introduce him to Christianity, but you just assume that it’s impossible?”
LOL… Yes, I’ve heard some stories like that, too. In my experience, I almost decided to tie a knot with a guy who believed in a lot of things (if you have to define it, probably we can call it “agnostic”). But I don’t want to discuss about it here in public space 🙂 The point is, I wish my experience(s) didn’t teach me anything or make me hesitant in jumping into a relationship or explore “opportunities” and be “open-minded”, but I guess pain can leave such scar that it would make it…well, a bit “masochist” to do all over again. My mentor would simply say,”You will go through the same thing again (get hurt because expecting something so badly).” But, yea, I understand what you meant. When it’s right you can just feel that “the whole universe” is working to make it happen for you.
Thanks, toto… the SG guy was just one example. One time I met an ABC and I really liked him, but I only realized it after we parted the next day. Oh well, things like that teach you about reality…
*like* no like button for comments? lol…